Speak of This to No One
by Edrea Owens
Summary: Arthur and Merlin discover their true feelings for each other, but realize they cannot allow anyone to find out.
1. Chapter 1

**EDIT: Merlin/Arthur slash. Season three Morgana spoilers!**

Merlin's stomach growled.

"Will you stop that?" Arthur said, slamming his fork down.

"I'm sorry! I can't help it!" Merlin retorted, a little louder than he had intended.

"What is wrong with you, Merlin?" Arthur shouted. "You've been acting weird all day!"

"I'm sorry, sire." Merlin knew he had crossed a line.

"You've been worse than usual! First you woke me up two hours late. Then you nearly ruined my armour with that stuff you got from Gaius's stores. You almost dropped my lunch and you spilled water all over my floor. Are you sure you even woke up this morning?"

Merlin winced, but hid it by turning to adjust Arthur's bed sheets which were already in perfect order. "I'm sorry, sire," Merlin said again. "I was unable to sleep well last night. Um...Gaius snores rather loudly sometimes," he added at Arthur's questioning look.

"So you were late because you couldn't sleep." Arthur looked unimpressed.

"Yes, but don't tell Gaius I told you he snores," Merlin added hastily. "He'd be so embarrassed."

"Well, maybe you should tell him. I'm sure he'll have something he can take for it." Arthur said, looking annoyed. "It'd be good for you both."

Merlin smirked, "You're probably right, Arthur," he said. "In fact, I think I'll go tell him now. That is, if it suits you, sire."

"Sure," said Arthur, who had returned to his lunch. Just as Merlin turned to leave however, he looked up and suddenly said, "Wait. Why are you smirking?" His tone was suspicious.

"Oh, well, I'm just glad to see you enjoying your lunch," Merlin lied quickly, perhaps with a little resentment. His own belly ached with hunger and he felt slightly irritable.

"Now really," said Arthur indignantly. "Like you would be glad of something like that." He suddenly looked alarmed. "Is there food on my face?"

Merlin suppressed laugh. "No!" he said with a smile. "There's nothing wrong with your face."

Arthur eyed him suspiciously, but Merlin could have sworn he saw his cheeks turn the slightest shade of pink. "You're not lying?" Arthur asked.

"No! There's nothing!" Merlin assured him, but then he could not stop himself and he said quickly, "Except now it seems to have changed color." His smirk grew and he avoided Arthur's gaze.

"What do you mean?" asked Arthur loudly, with perhaps a twinge of embarrassment.

"Nothing!" Merlin said quickly. "I must be seeing things, sire."

"Yes," Arthur said, seizing the theory. "You have sleep deprivation. Go rest before you do anymore damage, Merlin."

"Thank you, sire. I will." Merlin hastened out of Arthur's chambers.

He felt a little guilty for lying to him, but how could he tell Arthur that the real reason he was exhausted was that he could not stop worrying about Morgana? He had searched through his magic book all night looking for some way of stopping her or revealing her true intentions. He did not even notice that he had fallen asleep until Gaius had pulled his head up from the book and told him it was it ten o'clock.

Now he walked back to Gaius's study deep in thought. His vision was slightly blurred, the result of a mere four hours of sleep. When he opened the door to the study he found Gaius making potions. As the old man turned and opened his mouth to speak Merlin stopped him, saying, "No, I'm not doing any chores right now. I've missed breakfast and lunch and I didn't get much sleep. I am going to eat some bread and cheese and then I am going to bed."

He half-expected Gaius to say something, but the old man simply shrugged understandingly and returned to his potion-making.

Without another word, Merlin grabbed his food and went to his room. He threw himself belly-down onto his bed and grabbed his book from under it. As he took a bite of bread, he started flipping through it hoping to find some kind of idea.

Before he had turned more than a few pages, his eyelids grew heavy and his head sank closer and closer to the book. He swallowed his mouthful of food and allowed sleep to overtake him.

It seemed like he'd hardly closed his eyes for more than a minute before he woke to somebody shaking him by the shoulder. He turned over to see Gaius staring down at him.

"Prince Arthur is here, Merlin," he whispered, looking mildly surprised. Merlin looked past Gaius to see Arthur standing in his own bedroom doorway wearing an unreadable expression. This gave Merlin a bad feeling, and he turned back to Gaius and asked, "How long was I asleep?"

"About four hours," Gaius replied, "He said he wanted to speak with you. Alone," the physician added with a questioning look.

"Huh. I wonder what I did that was so bad even you can't know about it," Merlin grumbled sleepily, getting up.

"I'll take this for you," said Gaius a little louder and Merlin turned to see him picking up the book he had just been using as a pillow.

"Oh, yeah, thanks Gaius," Merlin replied, rubbing his face. "Sorry I couldn't find anything in it."

As Gaius left, Merlin realized Arthur had still not said anything, which made his bad feeling grow worse.

"What is it, sire?" Merlin asked, still rubbing his face and worrying at what was coming.

Arthur turned to look at Merlin directly in the eye. "I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I shouldn't have yelled at you."

Surprised, Merlin said, "Its fine, sire. I've been a mess tod-"

Arthur continued, "No, it's not...I really am sorry I yelled...and...You need to know that."

There was a moment of silence in which Merlin stared at Arthur in disbelief and Arthur averted his gaze awkwardly. He seemed strangely embarrassed. Merlin did not know what to say and was a little relieved when Arthur spoke again.

"I trust you slept well?" he asked.

"Yes, I got a little rest," Merlin replied hesitantly, suspicious of the thoughtful inquiry.

"Good," said Arthur, suddenly back to his usual brisk self, "because I need you to clean my armour and muck out my horses."

"Of course," Merlin mumbled, and he began to walk toward the door. However, he was stopped suddenly by Arthur's hand on his chest. Merlin looked questioningly from the hand to Arthur's face and saw a strange expression there. He appeared oddly torn. Then he said very quickly and without looking at Merlin. "I don't want you to do it now."

Again, Merlin did not know what to say, but was even more surprised when Arthur turned his gaze back to his and the next second he felt the prince's lips meet his own. Startled, he stepped backwards, and his heel hit the corner of his bed. As he reeled, arms flailing, Arthur grabbed his shirt and stopped him from hitting the floor. Arthur pull him back up fiercely and suddenly his hot breath was on Merlin's face and his fist still gripped his shirt tightly. Shocked, Merlin could not look at Arthur. He merely tried to understand what had happened. Then he made himself turn his eyes back to Arthur's and saw an expression of torn intensity change to confused resignation. Before he knew what he was doing, as Arthur's grip on him loosened he raised his trembling hands to Arthur's face and pressed his lips against his prince's.

The kiss lasted only a few seconds before they parted. Perhaps due to his exhaustion or the intensity of the situation or both, tears began to well in Merlin's eyes as he stared at Arthur, still wordless.

Arthur stared back for a moment, then looked away with the same resignation Merlin had seen flicker in his eyes before. Then his expression hardened and he said,"Speak of this to no one." His eyes flitted back to meet Merlin's once more, but then he dropped his hand from Merlin's shirt and turned to leave, adding in a slightly strained voice, "I'll expect you in my chambers tomorrow morning as usual." Then he was gone.

**Please review! I'd love to know what you think of my first fan fiction! Constructive criticism is loved! Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin simply stood in his room for a few seconds, half-stunned. He shook his head to bring himself back to reality. He knew Gaius would be wondering about him, especially after Arthur had left so abruptly. Trying to appear normal, Merlin wiped away the tears that were streaming down his face and walked downstairs.

When Merlin walked into the main room Gaius turned when he heard the boy enter saying, "Merlin! I was just putting some food on the tab—what's the matter, my boy?"

Merlin attempted to smile, but the result was pitiful. "Nothing!" It came out with more forced cheerfulness than he had intended.

Gaius eyed him curiously and then said slowly, "Arthur went out in quite a hurry. He barely said a word to me. Is he upset at you for something?" He sounded both concerned and alarmed.

"Er...He's just mad at me for slacking off today." It felt strange lying to Gaius. He was the only person he didn't have to constantly lie to.

"Ah. I see." Gaius said, though he seemed skeptical. "Well, why don't you eat something and then go start catching up on your work?"

Merlin started moving toward the door saying rather glumly, "Nah, that's alright. I'm not really hungry." It was true, but after he had spoken, he realized that Gaius would think it strange that he had gone to bed saying he was starving and then coming out several hours later without an appetite. Not wanting to linger in the old man's questioning gaze any longer, Merlin said, "You know, I have a lot of work to do. I'll be back later." He tried to act casual as he edged out, saying in a weakly jocular tone, "I suppose you can expect me to be covered in horse dung!"

As Merlin went about his chores he tried not to think of his encounter with Arthur, knowing it would not do any good. It seemed almost impossible to keep it from his mind. So many new confusing emotions surfaced and resurfaced. There was something strangely magical about the sudden kiss Arthur had given him. Something he had never felt when using his own magic.

It was getting dark and most of the townspeople had gone home and the knights and nobles were all in the castle getting ready for dinner. Merlin popped his head out of the stable. Nobody was nearby. He put down the pitchfork he had been using to muck out the horses and closed the door. Fairly certain nobody could be watching him, he raised his right hand in front of his face and muttered a few cryptic words. His eyes flashed with a brilliant gold tint. Red sparks flew up and quickly vanished into the still air. His skin tingled and familiar thrill rose in his chest, but there was something missing.

I still love this, he told himself. This is me.

Then he uttered another spell, a little louder. This time a bright green flame flared in his palm and he watched it dismally as he manipulated it. The beautiful magic danced and sprang in the shapes of tiny animals and faceless humans.

Suddenly he heard a soft noise outside the building. Reflexively shutting his fist to stifle the fire, he grabbed his pitchfork just as the stable door opened. To Merlin's dismay, Arthur slipped through. "Hello Merlin," the prince muttered.

The last thing he wanted, next to his magic being discovered, was to see the prince right now. Their eyes briefly met, and Merlin held his gaze just long enough to see an embarrassed, slightly disgruntled expression on Arthur's face before turning away to shovel hay onto the mostly bare stable ground. For several minutes Arthur said nothing, and Merlin scooped. As the silence grew heavy, Merlin felt a rage build inside him. It felt strange to him, and simultaneously he longed for Arthur to just say something, though he knew almost no words from him could make him happy.

At last, Merlin could not bare it anymore. Before he could stop himself he whipped around and yelled, "What do you want from me?"

He looked Arthur directly in the eyes and saw his face go white, he realized what he'd done, and he felt his cheeks turn red, from both humiliation and enhanced rage. "Sire," he added with a sneer. Though his humble nature made him a little worried about what would come after the bold, spontaneous move, he couldn't help but feel a little proud of himself.

For a moment, Arthur simply stared back at him, and Merlin could see fury fill his eyes. Then he seemed to check it, and said, avoiding Merlin's eyes, "I felt that I owed you another apology."

Merlin shook his head, struggling to contain his own anger. "No, no, no, no, no. Because we both know what the last one led to."

Arthur smirked and crossed his arms in front of his chest, finally looking Merlin in the eye. "What? That—," he seemed to choke on the word. "—kiss? That's what I needed to apologize for."

"Oh, really," Merlin retorted. "That's what you needed to apologize for." The rage inside him fought to get out like a hungry creature. Suddenly he had a strange appreciation for the Great Dragon's misery.

"What is this, Merlin?" Arthur was acting nonchalant, but Merlin could tell he was uncomfortable.

"That kiss is only the first thing you need to apologize for!"

"Was it that bad?" Arthur tried to laugh, but seemed to choke again.

Merlin squeezed his eyes tight in frustration and covered his dirty face with his equally dirty hands. "Why must you always be like this? Especially in times like this!"

"Like what?"

Merlin threw his hands away from his face and shouted, "St-stop playing dumb, you—you prat!" Then he realized how close Arthur suddenly was.

"Is that what I am?" Arthur's voice was frighteningly, delightfully soft now.

Startled, Merlin stammered, "Y-yes, yes you are." He tried to avoid looking at Arthur's lips. "Yes, and I won't let you do this to me!"

"You won't? Let me do what to you?" He was even nearer now.

Then Merlin couldn't stand it any longer. Though part of him wanted to throw Arthur across through the stable wall, he couldn't control himself another second. The other part, the larger part of him closed the gap between his lips and Arthur's. Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur's neck, and the prince responded by embracing him around the waist. Behind Arthur's head, Merlin's hands sparked with white electricity.

It was several minutes before they parted, but stayed close to each other, breathing heavily, their foreheads just barely touching.

Arthur broke the silence. "Do I need to apologize for that too?"

Merlin ignored the remark, and said, more to himself than to Arthur, "You weren't berating me."

The prince stepped back indignantly and said, "Oh come on! Am I really that bad?"

Merlin raised his eyebrows at him and Arthur just laughed and said, "Well, maybe I am." He paused and then added seriously, "But I think something in me has really changed."

Merlin looked fondly back at him and said, "Maybe." Then he smirked. "But you're still a prat."

Arthur grinned and grabbed Merlin in a headlock saying, "And you're still a lazy servant." Merlin struggled against his grasp, pushing his hands against Arthur's chest. Finally he escaped, a broad smile on his face.

"Come on," Arthur said, laying a strong, gentle hand on Merlin's shoulder and leading him out of the stable. "You smell like horse dung."

**Thanks for reading! Reviews and constructive criticism are loved!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

As Merlin awoke, contentment sat in his heart but was eventually pierced by a thin, sharp needle of doubt. Where did last night leave him and Arthur?

After they had left the stables Arthur had gone toward Uthur's dining hall and Merlin had gone back to his and Gaius's chambers. The look Arthur had given him when he they went their separate ways was one of happy affection, but had faded to solemn consideration. The expression stayed with Merlin as he fell asleep and in his dreams that night.

What would he do when he saw Arthur today? What _could_ he do? Slight panic joined the doubt.

Gaius's voice calling from downstairs shifted him from his thoughts and he forced himself out of bed.

"I made you breakfast, Merlin," Gaius said in a voice too chipper for the earliness of the hour. "Gwen brought me some fresh eggs from the market this morning."

"Great," Merlin replied, but he dragged his feet as he walked over to the table.

"Are you alright Merlin?" Gaius asked, "You've been acting very strangely the last day or so."

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine…" He paused before letting his words spill out in a ramble. "Gaius, what do you do when you're not sure how somebody feels about you, and you're not sure how you feel about them, but you can't stop thinking about them, and you want to know if they're thinking of you and you aren't sure how to act around them and…um…yeah…What do you do?"

"Ah," Gaius chuckled, "Girl problems."

"Yeah…something like that…" Merlin felt slightly sick and only picked at his eggs with a fork.

"Well, Merlin, it's difficult to say. Who's the lucky girl?"

"I don't think you know…her."

"You'd be surprised. I treat a lot of people. Try me."

"Um…Okay." Merlin cleared his throat. "Um…Arthur."

Gaius let out a half-laugh and then a sinister expression grew on his face when he realized that Merlin was serious. "Are you mad Merlin?"

"I think...maybe…"

"Do you realize what could happen?" the old man yelled, "Boy you can't afford to keep anymore secrets like this! If anybody finds out that you—No, Merlin. I shall not discuss it any further. You must purge these feelings from yourself!"

Merlin had never seen Gaius this way. This man, who had always been his understanding mentor, who he could confide in, was telling him these things. Anger rose up in him; something stronger than what he had felt against Arthur in the stable. "How can you say that? I thought you were always telling me to accept who I am! What, I can have magic as long as I keep it a secret but I can't love another man, even if that too is a secret?" He choked on the words. He hadn't fully realized it, but it was true. He did love Arthur. His destiny was tied to his in more ways than just as a magical protector.

Gaius's face became deep red. "Merlin you don't understand. You are only giving them another reason to kill you."

"'Them,'" Merlin scoffed. "I'm sick of 'them'"

"'They' have the power! Uthur could—would have you killed with a snap of his fingers."

"And you? Would you have me killed?"

"Merlin, of course not! How can you say that?"

"How can you say what you're saying?"

"I wouldn't have you killed, Merlin," Gaius said in an attempt to be calming.

"But you would if you didn't know me!" He didn't wait for an answer. "I have to go work."

As he fumed out of the room he heard Gaius call frantically after him, "Merlin, don't do anything rash!" In his state of mind, his saying that made Merlin want to do something rash.

When he was out of the room, however, merely being out of Gaius's presence helped clear his mind, and made him realize that the old man was probably right. He didn't need another reason for people to kill him. He didn't need another secret.

When he entered Arthur's chambers he saw that the prince was still sleeping. The sun shone through the window and lit up his straw-colored hair and his face looked utterly peaceful and unaware. It was difficult to imagine that this man was a trained warrior and commander. That he was a prince could not be doubted.

Not wanting to wake him, Merlin set up Arthur's wash water as quietly as he could. He was tempted to use magic, but he knew that if Arthur found out, Gaius would probably think he'd gone completely insane.

Just as Merlin lifted the warm water from the fire and began to pour it into a ceramic bowl he heard Arthur stir. He didn't turn toward him and just pretended not to notice him until he said his name in a sleepy but firm voice.

"Yes, sire?" he asked turning around, putting a smile on his face.

"I'm glad you're here; I need to talk to you." Arthur shifted uncomfortably. "I've had a lot of time to think."

"While you were sleeping?" Merlin replied jocularly, but he felt his stomach drop.

"I'm serious, Merlin." He stood up out of bed. Merlin tried not to blush at his shirtless chest.

"Merlin, have you ever had to keep a really big secret before?"

Annoyed at Arthur's condescending tone, Merlin lied, "Um, no...not really."

"Well, when I was about five or six I found a toad in the woods. I was so excited about it. I hid him in my room for days because I knew my father would never allow it, but I didn't want to give it up. But when my father did find out—a maid saw it when she was cleaning under my bed and there was a huge commotion—he squished it under his boot, right in front of me. I'll never forget how upset I was until he knelt in front of me and said, 'Arthur, one day you are going to be the king of Camelot. You will not be able to hide little creatures in your bedroom and be a king. It's better that you don't have these kinds of distractions.'" Arthur paused and looked Merlin in the eye and said, "What I'm saying Merlin, is that this can't continue. I'm sorry but it can't."

Merlin looked back into his eyes for a moment before whispering, "I know."

Arthur made a sudden movement toward Merlin, as if to comfort him but then stopped himself and looked away. "If it were to get out that I have…feelings for you—." Arthur's eyes widen and he said, "Oh God I shouldn't have said that. It'll only make things harder…" He ran his hands through his hair in frustration.

"You really think I'm that weak?" Merlin interjected almost without thinking. "That you're so amazing that I won't be able to live knowing that the great prince Arthur has feelings for me? I'm that little creature under your bed within your pow—."

"That's not what I meant." It seemed difficult for Arthur to speak. "...I meant, it'll be harder for me. Admitting it to myself and to you."

Merlin was speechless.

"I'm sorry Merlin, but I think I have to find a new servant." Arthur said.

"I—I understand, my lord," he replied, though it wasn't completely true.

Arthur nodded but didn't look convinced. "I'll make sure you get another job somewhere in the castle."

"I'll just go then."

"Yes, I think that would be best."

Before he could say another word Merlin walked quickly from the chambers. Anger and frustration bubbled up inside Merlin. He was angry at Arthur for being such coward. He couldn't handle their secret or even his presence. _How does he think I feel?_

As he fumed through the halls, he passed by Morgana who was skulking around the castle as usual. He must have given her a very frightening look because she started on the spot and stared at him as he went on his way.

_Of course he can't know how I feel._ Merlin slowed down when that occurred to him. _He doesn't—can't know what I'm hiding already._

When he had almost reached Gaius's living quarters, he made a realization. This was a secret both of them were sharing together. Except Arthur had never had to hide something this big before now. Merlin laughed out loud that Arthur though his little toad secret even measured up to either of Merlin's. Suddenly determined, Merlin walked back to Arthur's chambers.

Merlin knocked softly on the door.

"Come," the prince called

As he entered he found the prince staring out the window, still shirtless and not ready for the day. He had obviously not gotten a new servant yet, as his bed remained unmade.

Arthur turned and seemed surprised, though not upset to see him there. "Uh, come in Merlin," he said awkwardly.

Oddly flattered at his attempt of politeness, Merlin closed the door behind him and said in a quiet, steady voice, "I thought, given recent…events…I needed to show you something. Arthur, I lied earlier. I have had to keep a secret before."

Without another word, Merlin gestured his hand at a vase on the table about five feet away from him. A single flower removed itself from the rest and levitated to a stop exactly halfway between the two men.

Arthur stared at the flower, disbelieving, then turned his gaze to Merlin, and asked, "You can—You've—you've been hiding this…how long—." He seemed to force conviction into his voice when he finally said, "Exactly how long have you been hiding this from me—from everyone!"

"Forever," Merlin answered, "As long as I've been in Camelot."

"Why are you showing me? You know my father would have you killed!"

"Yes, but you also kissed me, and he would have me killed for that too." The realization of how truly thoughtless Arthur had been before finally set in, and Merlin felt resentful. However, he added, "Now you have both of these secrets. And you know that I was able—am able to keep both of them. I may as well show you. You already have enough reason to have me killed. Now I'm leaving it in your hands."

"Merlin—."

"I'll let you think about it. I only ask that you tell me your decision first before you tell your father…or not tell him." He let the flower drop to the floor.

As Merlin turned to leave, Arthur said hastily, "Merlin, wait! I've made my decision."

Merlin spun to look him in the eyes and the prince finished, "How could you doubt it for a second?"

Merlin laughed giddily, and felt slightly childish. "Well, with you sometimes it's hard to know."

"Oh shut up and come here," Arthur said, taking long strides to reach Merlin. The young wizard finished closing the space between them and kissed him passionately. Then they simply held each other.

But the moment was broken too soon when Arthur released Merlin, saying, "Now we must begin to pretend, I suppose. My father has a tendency to forgo knocking…"

Merlin laughed again, just as giddily as before, and said, "Does this mean I'm still your servant?"

Arthur looked at him appraisingly, "We'll have to see about that, you lazy bum."

They both laughed.

**Sorry this was so long after Chapter 2. As always please review and tell me what you think!**


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